Let me pee without pain

Please let me pee. As I enter the bathroom, I see him. I look away, I try to hold it in. I go to the toilet and put the seat down  I take off my pants I need to pee. As I am about to pee, I hear their voices, his voice. I cannot pee, I do not know what is wrong with my body.I cannot pee in this bathroom, While he is here. I will hold it in. He knows I am in here. He can see through this door. I know it.

Please let me pee. I sit holding onto that toilet seat covered with pee, my hands holding on tightly as I wait for them to leave this room. Yes, sometimes they pee with the toilet seat down, because this is their room. I need him to leave this room.I want to pee, my body refuses to pee.I cannot with him here, he will hear me peeing sitting down. If he sees me it will happen again. He will do it again, cut me with his eyes whilst observing if I still have a penis or not.

I let out a sigh of relief as I am now able to pee in peace for he is no longer here. As I pee holding on to the sides of the toilet seat, I hope I finish in time so I can wash my hands, before he comes in again. Before they come in again. Done, I quickly pull my pants up, tucking it tightly between my thighs, in fear of who might walk in next.

Not concerned with how I look at this point in time, rushing to wash my hands, another one of ‘him’ walks in.  My hands are wet not from the water that I used to wash them, but from the beads of sweat created by the fear of being yet again being violated, experiencing misogny, the stares,the unconsented touches that leave you vulnerable to anything, ready for the wild to eat. Vulnerable to them to him. I am scared of him., I am scared of his body, which is the same body that we share. I am not him, I am them, not him.

I had to do it. I had to pee. I could not hold it anymore… Please can I pee. I need to pee. I promise I will be quick. I only need to pee. As pressed as I am,he has to give me permission to pee. Only he exists, his masculinity, not me. Please can I pee.

I cannot choose safety over peeing. I sometimes have to compromise my safety to pee. Just. To. Pee. I have done it. Yes I have peed, and this time he did not do anything. Yes he did assess me, but at least he did not do anything this time. Sometimes peeing while saying a prayer helps. Close your eyes, but not completely!

Photographer: Evaan Ferreira

Edited by: Chili Kier

follow   Phumelele Nkomozake’s blog :mytransevolution.wordpress.com