In memory of Lara Kruger a transgender icon, a sister a friend and mentor to many, Rest In Power. You will always be remembered.
By Phumelele Nkomozake:
THERE ARE TIMES
There are times I wake up, and need to go back to sleep.
I need to wake up. But glued onto this bed.
Want to speak, But all I can do is write with my numb fingers.
Times when I wish I could sleep forever, nightmares are much better than this reality.
Suicide becomes an adventure, a way for me to liberate myself, my soul.
Just like Steve Biko wanted to liberate black people.
Constantly fighting. Black consciousness. My consciousness.
How I keep making my pain beautiful for you to watch, makeup…
There are times I just stare in the air,
Thinking about how much of a burden I am.
Inconveniencing your life, their life, his life, friends, family, you..
Times I wish I could chase this Transness away,
just like they chased them out of their land,
unapologetically without dignity.
There are times I wish mirrors never existed,
for I wouldn’t been able to see my reflection.
Reflecting on my life, this life, his life, her life…
How much it is full of agony, needing it to exist to exist.
Pain becomes a drug, morphine, hooked into loving it, like my first kiss.
Needing it to exist forever, infinity…
Running out of this high and only finding out later you were the drug, the experiment for him.
Something different, Trans…
There are times, I wish I could control her,
confine her because she brings me joy,
but this kind of joy is not the one full of celebrations and festivities.
It is the joy of emancipating one’s ignorance, that has enslaved society,
your society, his society, my society, her body, Trans….
Joy I receive when you stop misgendering me physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually.
How should I forgive you? The same way the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) did?
How you will pretend to understand, prove that it is not your fault,
and then give me a stunning remorseful performance about how you will be better, do better.
But you do it again, again and again,
Just like white people do it today, racism,
Black men, patriarchy.
Black Cis-het womxn, queerphobic.
Cis-queer folks, transphobic…
You are so used to it.
It has become your way of surviving, breathing,
sheltering your identity, like a newborn.
Tears have become a way of washing my face..
a way of providing rain, clearing this drought.
Pain has become my best friend.
You are my depression,
but it too I try chase away, because I cannot afford to be a black Trans womxn and depressed.
No. You cannot take away my pronoun and my life too.
So what do I do?
I crawl of out of this bed, and tell myself: “I am still breathing…”
Tribute to Lara
Lara Kruger (30) passed away on the 3rd of January 2018, according to media reports and her own social media posts days prior to her death she was in hospital being treated for depression. Lara an unapologetic South African transgender woman, outspoken LGBT rights activist and a DJ at Motsweding FM will sorely be missed.
ABOUT LARA WATCH video by Abigail Javier
Soar with the Angels Lara